Critical talks are not easy in any life situation, but within a relationship they often represent a crucial test. The famous sentence “We have to talk” scares us and there are legitimate reasons for that.
A relationship that has arisen through mutual love often represents one of the highest forms of human emotion and so it is more difficult to argue objectively and calmly than in other conflict situations.
Especially when the intro “We have to talk” is chosen, the partner’s adrenaline shoots up and fear spreads, because this sentence leaves too much room for interpretation. Better: You say straight away what you want to talk about. If this sentence is chosen without a hook, the unprepared conversation partner gets feelings of anxiety, insecurity, nervousness and fear with this typical formulation, which is mostly used in relationship conflicts. After all, you have no idea what the other person has already prepared. Could it be the end of the partnership or will the clarifying conversation lead to a larger conflict?
You should prepare yourself for a conflict discussion in a relationship
Also, the person initiating the conversation at that moment often has concerns, such as:
- The other person’s reaction
- Situations that damage the relationship
- Losing control of the discussion
- overreacting myself
- Hurting other people’s feelings
- Being perceived as a plaintive, unhappy, negative person
Conducting a feedback conversation is not easy, neither at work nor with friends, but certainly not in an emotional relationship. Many know the “burger principle” that is taught in courses. This consists of the combination of a positive message, followed by the negative message and finally a positive message again. But many people see through this these days and quickly feel that they are being made fun of when, after a praising conversation starter, the actual core that has been awaited for so many times comes.
In order to conduct a constructive discussion of criticism, the following framework conditions must also be observed:
- Control emotions, not quick shots
- Conduct the conversation in a private atmosphere
- Don’t delay the actual message too long
- It should be clear in advance why the feedback needs to be given and whether the timing is right
- It is helpful to have the best and worst case scenario of the other person’s reaction in mind
- Give the other person time to spread the information and don’t keep talking seamlessly and without pauses
- Don’t use formulations like “You always do…” or “You never do…”, it’s better to choose self-related sentences like: “I feel that you…”
I get my partner’s feedback – what do I do?
But the recipient of the message can also do something to ensure that the conversation remains calm and factual and does not become emotional:
- Be open to feedback – remember, talking is always better than silence when it comes to issues
- Body language makes a difference, folded arms suggest rejection
- Before it gets loud or irrelevant: ask how the other person meant a phrase
- Remain calm and factual and primarily answer the questions that were asked, not drifting too far
- It is better to remain silent and think about it than to defend yourself directly verbally – it is also possible to comment on the topic afterwards, or after you have slept on it
- Always remember: A relationship conflict is not a war, there are no winners and losers
Conflicts within a partnership go to the substance, trigger unexpected emotions, which can, however, worsen the situation. In a conflict discussion, the be-all and end-all is to remain calm and objective. It’s better to ask for a short break and leave the room than to let yourself be carried away by an emotional knee-jerk reaction. For both parties, if a continuation of the relationship is desired, a résumé of the conversation should be drawn up such as: “I now take with me that I…”. In this way you summarize what the other person wants or what you could work on yourself and there are no misunderstandings. The concluding summary of the conversation content also relieves one’s own head, because the problem is perceived as having been discussed in a closed manner.
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Source: Stern
I am an author and journalist who has worked in the entertainment industry for over a decade. I currently work as a news editor at a major news website, and my focus is on covering the latest trends in entertainment. I also write occasional pieces for other outlets, and have authored two books about the entertainment industry.
