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Changes in motherhood and new ways of being a father, mother and child

It was partly thanks to psychoanalysis – science that was in charge of studying the child in the adult – that this stage was delimited. From this one “Scientific invention” from Sigmund Freud and those who continued their investigations, it was highlighted the importance of childcare by parents. The early bond was stimulated (especially with the mother) and the incidence of these vicissitudes in the conformation of the future personality was considered. Winnicott made valuable contributions.

maternity

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He told us, for example, about the “Primary maternal concern”, to refer to the state experienced by the mother during pregnancy and childbirth, giving herself completely to the care of her baby. So much so that it seems to be part of it, which has led Winnicot to say that “The baby does not exist”, since at the beginning there is only the mother-infant couple. Despite this, a mother “Good enough” -according to its denomination- it would be the one that is allowed to go “Failing” carefully and gradually so that the child can tolerate environmental frustrations and to promote their progressive individuation.

We know that motherhood profoundly and irreversibly modifies the mother’s psyche and that the arrival of a child activates aspects of her personality that otherwise would never come to light. It is also said that it is not enough to engender it and give birth to it, but it is necessary to “adopt” it and house it emotionallyThis being perhaps the crucial factor, regardless of whether or not the parentage is biological.

Maternal aspects present in both women and men are also known and there is talk of “Maternal function” beyond the genre from which it is exercised. And it is a fact that parenting today is generally sharedIt is necessary for the healthy psychological development of the children that the father (or whoever fulfills or represents this role) is present, above all, within the mother’s mind.

There have also been, in recent times, important changes in some laws and in the ways of naming the relationships between parents and children, which undoubtedly have -or will have- strong impact on family life: instead of “parental authority” it is said “parental responsibility” and instead of “possession” (of the child) it is said “personal care”. The figure of the parents is introduced “Related” to replace the disparaging designation of “stepfather” and “stepmother”.

The way of registering and appointing in front of society in marriage has changed: Either spouse can now choose to use the other’s last name with or without the preposition “of”.

Mother there are only two.jpg

Foto: Tomatazos

In addition, children can bear the surname of the father, the mother or both. Until before this reform, the maternal surname “was lost” for the son – and with this also a sign that was part of his identity. Paradoxically, in family life, children “They belonged”To the mother leaving the father in a peripheral position and instead of a visitor, in case of separation. Maternal preference is no longer mentioned when providing personal care for children, even if they are small.

Today it is considered, for example, that maternal and paternal functions are not necessarily linked to the gender of the parents, or to bodies that support genders according to them, but rather both could exercise these functions. It is known of the existence of masculine and feminine elements present in both men and women that are fundamental for the upbringing of the child. The presence of the desire for a child in the male is studied from other perspectives, unlike what happened before, when it was thought that it belonged only to the field of the feminine. We can then speak of the emergence of new ways of being a father, mother and child (neoparentalidades and neophiliaciones). Each modifies the other.

The desire for a child is the foundation on which the story of the unborn child is built. It is interpreted as “Will to procreate”. But a “complex” look at motherhood shows that the begetting of a child does not automatically produce its affective correlate and it is not always linked to the desire to raise it. We could think that the feeling of motherhood is built, it cannot be attributed solely to issues of the order of instinct. Or in any case, if we think that there is only a maternal instinct, we have abundant evidence that feeling the child as one’s own is a mutual process, back and forth, subject to different vicissitudes, among which the relationship with the other has a huge impact. father, the history of the mother as daughter, the circumstances of the begetting, the evolutionary stage the pregnant woman goes through, the family and social support she possesses, etc.

Patricia Alkolombre -member of the Argentine Psychoanalytic Association- in his book “Son’s desire, son’s passion”, for example, difference between “Son’s wish” and “Wish for pregnancy”. In the first, the mother conceives the child as a being discriminated against from her and can renounce “Own it”. In the second, it needs him to “be with him”, preventing him from growing independently. There is also talk of “Son’s passion”, when your search has unusual intensity, even at the cost of self-destruction or the destruction of your partner.

That is are different desires and positions, for a woman, those that can lead her to the conception of a child, to pass the pregnancy and feel in a position to raise it and “Narcissize” it. Narcissus is the mythical character whose legend represents the love that the human being lavishes on himself. The term “narcissism” It has been used frequently by psychoanalysis to associate it with those emotional processes in which self-esteem, pride, the capacity to love and to see oneself reflected in the products themselves are put into play.

Why do parents lie to their children?

Freud refers to the son as “His Majesty the Baby” Alluding to the overestimation that usually characterizes the attitude of parents towards their children. “Narcissizing” a child, therefore, is part of parenting and involves loving him, showing interest in him, and thereby strengthening his self-esteem and consolidating his identity. I add, based on my experience in working with families in conflict, that for the children’s psyche to develop healthily it is also necessary that they be able to respect and admire their parents. They have to be able to see them as “Their Majesties the Fathers”, each one -mother and father-, in turn, enabled in that position by the other.

I consider the family as an organization in permanent reconfiguration, also subject to the movements of the socio-historical plot in which it is immersed. The mother-child bond has been one of those that has been most stressed by the vicissitudes that accompanied – and still accompany – the pandemic, creating new challenges for parenting. Being a mother in times of pandemic has not been an easy task: Between crisis and resilience, confinement, home-office, home schooling, the effort to maintain rhythms and routines, and at the same time the construction of tools to face a world in profound transformation, will surely leave their marks.

Lic. In psychology. Psychoanalyst. Member of the Argentine Psychoanalytic Association. Specialist in couples and families. Advisor to the Department. of couple and family of APA

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