The workplace is a big market for matters close to the heart: Many couples get to know each other between the desk, the canteen and the company party. But love at work also harbors risks, as Ms. T. and Mr. A. had to experience.
By Reinhild Fürstenberg
Ms. T. (45) and Mr. A. (42) * work in a medium-sized company, and have been good colleagues in a team of ten for many years. The divorce from Ms. T. about a year ago brought about a new turn in the hitherto purely collegial relationship. During the lockdown, professional matters faded more and more into the background in conversations via telephone or video conference tools, and the exchange of private matters became more intensive. In autumn they met for the first time alone for a walk during the lunch break. Then one thing led to another, the two became a couple. And they went “public” after just a few weeks, and let their boss and colleagues share in their happiness.
At first the reaction was positive. Many had noticed the divorce and Ms. T’s loneliness during the lockdown. But then the mood changed. The conversations became more monosyllabic, the usual inquiries about a nice weekend were canceled and when one of the two asked for professional advice, a snappy answer came back, like “ask your darling”. That’s why the two come to the couples counseling at the Fürstenberg Institute, hoping to save what can still be saved. Because with all butterflies in your stomach – the atmosphere in the team is important to both of them. And shouldn’t put a strain on your personal happiness either.
Love in the office: allowed, tolerated, welcomed?
Basically, first of all, love at work must be tolerated by the employer in Germany. So bosses are not allowed to interfere and prevent the relationship. In the USA it is partly different. There companies can find executives z. B. forbid to enter into romantic relationships with employees. In this way, conflicts of interest are to be avoided. In Germany, too, more and more companies are implementing a code of conduct in employment contracts that provide clear guidelines on subordinate relationships – in order to prevent sexual harassment and coercion.
Even when the power imbalance is not there and the law is on their side, many couples try to keep their relationship a secret in the workplace. There are good reasons for this: Most of the time, those involved want to avoid unnecessary unrest and talk. But they run the risk of losing trust. If the secret comes to light, colleagues often feel deceived and ask themselves: How much of what you have confided to one partner in private has been passed on?
Private relationships between colleagues always have an impact on cooperation within the company. Ms. T. and Mr. A. were well aware of this and therefore decided early on to make their relationship known to the team. Under no circumstances did they want to risk the trusting relationship within the entire team. And they were sure of their feelings. Of course, they would have kept a brief affair to themselves.
Kisses in the copy room are taboo
The two cannot explain the change in mood. Both continue to behave professionally at work, private confidentiality in front of colleagues is not exchanged. Kisses in the copy room or private pictures in the chat – that’s taboo for the two of them. Also, no job topics are secretly spun on without taking the team with them (the so-called information advantage). Because under no circumstances should the colleagues feel left out.
In fact, partnerships in the department are also a challenge for well-established teams and managers. It just changes the team dynamics. This is completely normal and doesn’t necessarily have to be bad: Once everyone has gotten used to the new situation, a relationship in the company can also have positive sides. The couple may be more attached to the company and have more energy and fun working together. Ultimately, everyone benefits from this.
Private issues always have an impact on your work – on your own performance and the mood in the team: for better or for worse. As with the love affair between the two, the divorce from Ms. T. also had an impact on the team. At that time Ms. T. was often depressed and unable to concentrate. Fortunately, she got through this phase very quickly. Also thanks to the new relationship.
As always, if something puts a strain on the team or individual employees, an open conversation helps. Ms. T. and Mr. A. should also look for it and, on the one hand, use it to show their gratitude for the sympathy and joy of their colleagues. On the other hand, they can ask the team specifically about their concerns, including suggestions for improvement, how the couple could keep their private relationship even more out of their everyday work. The well-meaning colleagues will certainly appreciate that.
Address and clarify reservations
The boss can also provide support here. In fact, from the employer’s point of view, a spatial or organizational separation of the couple is even possible. Even a transfer is possible in cases that lead to serious job conflicts. Of course, there is no reason for Ms. T. and Mr. A. to do any of this. Inappropriate behavior such as B. the sending of intimate messages and pictures or “betrayal of secrets” is clearly not present. But the boss can invite the team and the couple to face the new situation openly. And to give everyone a period of getting used to, in which rags are allowed.
Most of the time, things smooth out quickly when the team is given the space to express reservations. Perhaps a long-time colleague feels left out, not sure whether she can still call Ms. T. with her everyday worries? Or the team is worried that the casual chat about the quirks of the partners is no longer possible as before. In addition, there is a topic that the boss and colleagues have to deal with in organizational matters: For example, if the couple always wants to go on vacation at the same time, this can thwart the duty roster.
Coaching can be useful for the couple themselves. Here you can learn to separate professional and private matters even better. This has a positive impact on the team and on one’s own relationship. After all, the same professional background can become a burden over time – namely if the job and the company are too often at home. And coaching can be a good prevention for dealing with arguments in the relationship, which require a lot of self-discipline in the separation of work and private life. In the same office, there are no hours to take a deep breath until you see your partner again. And quarreling at work is not a good idea anyway.
In principle, the love of the office is also an aspect of a changing corporate culture – with the introduction of more private things into everyday work. Just as companies with flat hierarchies lure with Duzen or the full refrigerator for the after-work beer and the manager without a tie becomes the norm, so too does the tolerance of partnerships in the workplace. Nevertheless, they remain a challenge for everyone involved. But one that is easy to manage.
More tips about workplace relationships:
- Continue to be active individual members of your teams. Don’t isolate yourself; keep taking lunch breaks with others.
- Spending 24 hours a day together is not advisable. Also, spend time alone and continue to pursue separate hobbies.
- Even if it requires a little discipline and practice: Consciously allow yourself to end work topics. Establish clear rules about how and how much they talk about work after work. You can e.g. B. set a time after which professional topics are taboo. And stay clean when it comes to confidential work topics. This creates trust in the team and among superiors. Ultimately, it always comes down to the question: Would I behave or position myself differently if I were not in a partnership with my colleague?
- You have to learn to deal with the fact that you are a “public” couple at work. Often everyone thinks they can have a say. Strengthen each other and get support if necessary, for example from friends, good colleagues or an external employee advisory service.
- Even if it sounds unromantic: Especially at work, it makes sense to consider the effects of a breakup on your career. In the event of a separation, it is best to involve the manager at an early stage in order to evaluate the framework conditions such as the shared office or joint project responsibility under the new auspices.
* Anonymized case study from the advisory practice of the Fürstenberg Institute. The case was anonymized with the consent of those affected.
More columns by Reinhild Fürstenberg:
Jane Stock is a technology author, who has written for 24 Hours World. She writes about the latest in technology news and trends, and is always on the lookout for new and innovative ways to improve his audience’s experience.
