Job coach: How much bending must there be at work?

Question: Somehow I don’t really fit into my work. My colleagues are constantly talking about football or making flat jokes, everyone is more likely to push “Call of duty”instead of pushing projects forward quickly, and I can’t find myself in the conservative dress code either. Since I currently work more often in the home office, the latter is fortunately not that relevant, but the other aspects remain. I’m slowly getting the feeling that I can no longer be myself. How much bending does it take to work?

We all play roles. The outwardly shown attitude of a person – what we want others to see – is what psychologists refer to as “Person”, a kind of mask that serves our social adaptation. Which does not mean that it cannot or should not be identical with our self-image. Because such a match between self-image and the outward-looking image is actually worth striving for: Then we feel good because we don’t have to pretend, appear authentic and genuine and inspire trust in others. If our appearance and our true nature match, our counterpart will feel it: There are no contradictions. This inspires trust, while the discrepancy between persona and actual personality can come across as a certain insincerity in others.

There is no such thing as complete authenticity

Apart from this ideal of the equality of essence and persona, which will never be 100 percent fulfilled, there are various social roles in which we understandably behave appropriately. We will behave differently at home on the couch than in a meeting with the boss, with our own parents talking in one way and with a stranger on the train in another. A certain adjustment is good and sensible, as we can, for example, adapt to people and situations with the appropriate communication style and thus improve the quality of the relationship. But this should not go so far that you completely disguise yourself for the sake of harmony.

You mentioned three areas that we want to look at as examples: the relationship with work colleagues, the work itself or the prevailing work ethic and working conditions in the company, as well as the dress code. At each of these levels, different criteria can be considered, according to which a decision has to be made, from when onwards you may adapt too much.

Tolerance helps with colleagues

Very different characters often come together at work or in a team. In contrast to the private circle of friends, you can’t choose who to spend a lot of time with. Accordingly, it already helps to realize that you don’t necessarily have to be friends with your colleagues, but should just find a way to be able to work productively together. You should also be aware that the different personalities complement each other profitably and that even supposedly annoying character traits of others can represent a meaningful building block in teamwork. Especially when doing joint tasks, you should be patient with the quirks of others or seek open conversation with a colleague, should misunderstandings and disruptions in the work flow occur repeatedly. Focus on the positive: What can others do that you may find difficult?

What the “private” When it comes to dealing with colleagues – whether small talk in the coffee kitchen or joint break meetings via Zoom – you are not forced to do anything: Spend your lunch breaks in the way that is good for you and say goodbye in good time, for example by pointing out your high workload uncomfortable conversations for you before you are completely unnerved. This should also be less of a problem in the home office, since you will probably work more alone there anyway.

The work style and culture should match the personality

You write that you are bothered by the work mentality of your colleagues and that the pace of work is too slow for you. Basically, there are always interindividual differences in terms of the type of work – and at the same time different work styles can offer advantages. The questions to ask yourself are: is it possible to work in the way that suits you to be the most effective and motivated to perform? Or are you expected to adapt to practices that are inappropriate for you? In a conversation with your supervisor, you can convey that a work style that corresponds to your personality not only offers you more satisfaction, but above all more efficiency for the company because you are more productive.

On the other hand, are you interested in something even more fundamental when it comes to your disturbance, for example the general corporate culture or the values ​​contained in the corporate vision? Then it is worth taking a closer look – also with regard to your own wishes. Ask yourself: What is my ideal work environment, which people do I work with and in what ways? And very important: Which values ​​are important to me in relation to work – for example sustainability, competition or fun, independence, community, performance or predictability? If, during this reflection, you notice irreconcilable discrepancies between your requirements and the status quo in your job, it is worth considering changing jobs. Because if you do not work in accordance with your values ​​in the long term, you will either become unhappy or ill.

How much flexibility is there with the dress code?

Even if you are currently less confronted with this problem thanks to home office, a few thoughts on this topic. Dress codes have a long tradition: work clothing such as a uniform is used, for example, to visually identify employees, for example waiters, stewardesses or police officers. Very often the dress code is simply adapted to the desired image and corporate identity of a company and, depending on the strictness of its rules, is given with terms such as “Business Formal” or “Business Casual” designated. The employer can, within the framework of his authority to direct, make detailed requirements on the dress code and also prohibit individual items of clothing. Basically, you should therefore already adhere to the dress code in your company.

In practice, however, the whole thing is usually less rigid: Not only are the dress codes in most companies becoming more and more relaxed – there is also a certain amount of leeway within which you can adapt a dress code to your needs. So there is the possibility of making elegant outfits more varied with more daring colors or choosing chic clothes made of comfortable materials that are more comfortable to wear than the classic suits and suits. Feel free to test – carefully – the limits of the dress code prescribed in your company as soon as you start working in the office again, or ask your supervisor openly which deviations are tolerable. You have to submit to irrevocable rules for better or for worse. If you feel completely disguised, this can also be an indication that the entire work context may not suit you.

Find the right balance

At work, you should never feel as if you have to leave your personality at the cloakroom in the morning and only go home with it in the evening. There should be an intersection between your private and your professional self. Anyone who feels permanently uncomfortable at work is not in the right place. And there is one for everyone, you should seek it with courage and discipline. At the same time, a certain adjustment to the culture and customs of your employer shows your willingness to integrate and your support for the company values. So you make a good impression and also integrate better into your group of colleagues. You can only decide for yourself where the line between integrating and bending runs – each person has a different feeling. But make sure you realize that you have more freedom to choose your job and employer than you may be aware.