Advice from the job coach: My colleague is beaten at home – how can I help her?

The number of victims of domestic violence by (ex) partners increased significantly in Germany during the Corona crisis. Up to 20 percent in some federal states. The number of unreported cases is probably even higher. It happens in cramped living conditions as well as in the terraced housing estate and the upper-class villa. Two thirds of the victims are women.

The fact that the situation has worsened due to lockdown and tightness in the home office is also shown by the increasing number of those seeking advice at the Fürstenberg Institute who experience domestic violence themselves or in the immediate vicinity. These include successful managers who have “slipped their hands” during an argument or the young woman who does not recognize herself because she yells at her husband “until the neighbors ring”. And people come to counseling who are worried about colleagues because they perceive changes that suggest psychological or physical violence from their partner.

Contrary to what you might think at first glance, domestic violence is actually a workplace issue – in its effects on the workplace. People who experience violence at home suffer, among other things, from concentration disorders, often show persistent performance deficits and are often absent. Hiding her situation also takes a lot of strength. Their behavior is often difficult for the team and the superiors to assign.

Suspicious signs

If you are attentive and know your colleagues well, you will usually notice when something is wrong, even when working from a distance. Like Ms. O. She comes to the consultation and explains that a colleague who used to have a natural look suddenly sits in the video conference with thick make-up on some days – as if she wanted to cover something. Once the colleague could not be reached in the morning and in the next few days her camera was broken, so that she attended the meeting without a picture. That alone would not have worried Ms. O., but she knew from the long-term collaboration that her colleague’s on / off relationship was in crisis and that her friend often reacted “temperamentally”.

During the months of the pandemic, the otherwise cheerful colleague became more and more silent and did not take part in the small talk before meetings or in the team’s voluntary digital evening events. When she called in sick because she broke her arm in a “fall”, Ms. O.’s alarm bells sounded. She fears that her colleague will experience violence at home and wants to help – but how?

Get out of the taboo zone

As with all burdens and negative changes that we perceive in our fellow human beings, direct addressing is the right way to go when we suspect that we have experienced violence at home. With statements or questions like: “I’m worried about you!”, “Is the black eye really due to your ‘clumsiness’?” and above all: “I want to support you in getting the right help”. It is important that the victim is empowered to dare to step out of the taboo zone of violence in their own four walls – and that is very difficult for many. Shame and repentance of guilt, such as “but I also irritated him”, play a major role in this.

A variety of dependencies often weigh heavily, such as children or financial aspects. Plus the great fear that exposing the situation will lead to new and possibly even worse violence. It is therefore important to raise awareness of domestic violence at different levels. The more the topic is present in public, the victims have a “lobby” so to speak, the more likely those affected will dare to confide in someone with their suffering and to make it justiciable. Such educational work also creates a greater sensitivity in the (professional) environment to look and offer help. As with Ms. O .. She will seek a conversation with the colleague. And hopefully this will provide an important impetus for those affected.

It is also important that one thing becomes clear: Many people experienced the Corona period as unsettling and challenging. The fear of falling ill, economic insecurity, isolation and little freedom have left the nerves on edge. The fact that life and work, sometimes also school, take place in a confined space creates density stress for couples and families. However, this is not a justification for violence and aggression!

But violence or experiences of violence – even the first signs – are an unmistakable sign that something has to change. Because up to the “first black eye” there is actually always a history of verbally hurtful behavior such as loud yelling, intimidation and insults. Even the first uncomfortable feeling and the fear in an argument with the partner that he or she could get violent must be taken seriously and perceived as an alarm signal: Something is getting out of hand here!

The good thing: At this point, for example, discussions with the development of conflict resolution strategies and techniques for reducing aggression can still be used very well. Also crucial: people who experience aggression or violence need to be empowered. This is the only way you can step out of the impotent role of victim and get help.

The environment should become aware of these signs

What can those affected do themselves? Where can you get help?