Adult men who are looking for a mother substitute in a partnership. Women who complain that their husbands act like their fathers. A pattern that is not uncommon in a relationship – and there is an explanation for it.
As the saying goes: “People are creatures of habit” and unfortunately this also applies to negatively familiar situations. Psychologists have described in the journal Psychology Today how our childhood, upbringing, and the relationship patterns we are inherited can have a significant impact on our adult lives and loves.
The repeating patterns should be traced back to our childhood. Everyone is shown different relationship patterns from an early age and develops their own attachment style. On the one hand, it is an unconscious repetition in adulthood that presents us with the same challenges over and over again, on the other hand, it is a learned attachment style. If, for example, the parents lived in a toxic relationship in which emotional or physical abuse was the order of the day, one often finds that the child who has experienced these situations also tends in their own existence to allow themselves to be treated in this way, or even to be treated in this way to treat someone else similarly. The reason is simple and yet frightening: you know it, it’s familiar.
But not only that you can develop a false tolerance level for unhealthy relationship patterns, you also automatically attract partners who behave similarly. Be it that you don’t respect your own limits or that you are attracted to people who resemble the toxic father, for example.
Childhood is crucial to an adult partnership
Psychotherapist April Eldemire explains the deeply ingrained attachment styles we all have from childhood that carry through into adulthood. She refers to John Bowlby’s attachment theory, who first got to the bottom of attachment styles in the 1960s and 1970s: “Attachment styles are our patterns that we show in behavior in relationships. The basis for this is provided in childhood by our primary caregiver There are usually four different attachment styles: secure, fearful, avoidant/repellent, and insecure/ambivalent.” The attachment styles are primarily behaviors that you then show in adulthood in relationships.
The following characteristics are attributed to the attachment styles:
secure – usually a person who grew up with an emotionally available person. Characteristics are: trustworthiness, good self-esteem and strong communication skills. People with this attachment style are usually capable of relationships and lead healthy partnerships.
avoidant / dismissive– actually the opposite of the secure attachment style: emotional intimacy often poses a threat, often difficulties in making lasting, solid connections.
fearful – as the word suggests, fear plays a major role in the anxious attachment style. The permanent feeling of fear, mostly due to fear of loss, often results in strong jealousy, great attachment and also a strong fear of rejection.
insecure/ambivalent – this attachment style means that you often feel torn. You have a strong need for closeness, but at the same time you are afraid of committing yourself.
The psychotherapist points out where the problem is that one often ends up with similar partners: “What is interesting, however, is that certain attachment style types tend to be more attracted to one another. Paradoxically, the person with an anxious attachment style often feels strongly about the person with avoidable attachment styles Attachment styles are attracted and vice versa. This connection, where one partner is constantly demanding attention and the other partner is constantly pushing away, can lead to relationship conflicts and struggles. We could also fall into certain relationship patterns based on the ingrained attachment styles we cultivate .”
So attachment style is based on how we bonded to our primary caregiver as a child. It lays the foundation for how we behave as adults in a partnership. The relationship pattern that we live is often based on the familiar patterns of our childhood. For example, if you had a traumatic childhood, in which you were exposed to many unhealthy relationship patterns and also had a broken bond with your primary caregiver, you are very vulnerable as an adult to reliving everything over and over again. If you recognize such a pattern in yourself and want to discard it, professional help from a psychologist or therapist is often the right way to go.
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Source: Stern
I am an author and journalist who has worked in the entertainment industry for over a decade. I currently work as a news editor at a major news website, and my focus is on covering the latest trends in entertainment. I also write occasional pieces for other outlets, and have authored two books about the entertainment industry.
