Loneliness, a terrible new date, or simply reminiscing makes some people want to contact their ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend again. But before you do that, you should do these five things.
Many people have experienced this carousel of thoughts before: Do I just get back in touch with my ex-partner? Or am I reopening old wounds? Can reheated love work? After many considerations of this kind, quite a few people end up at the point: “Oh, screw it, I’ll just do it now!” – and a majority of them regret it afterwards. Because warmed-up love often falls back into old patterns – and you suddenly know exactly why you once broke up.
Psychologist Emily Hylton-Jean explains in the magazine “Psychology Today” why so many people repeatedly feel the need to contact their former love – and reveals which steps you should definitely take in advance. Basically, after a separation, many people feel emotionally hurt, often burdened and many experience lower life satisfaction. Taking a step back into the familiar seems tempting. Even though the relationship may no longer be going well, you still know what you have or don’t have. I quickly pulled out my cell phone and wrote to my ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend.
Studies show that contact with an ex-boyfriend is not good for you
A number of studies that deal with the topic of “contact with your ex-partner” show that contact with your former love only prolongs the pain. People who contacted their former partner after a breakup had higher levels of dissatisfaction with their lives than those who let it go. Another study showed that people who occasionally talked to their ex felt more love that day, but also more sadness. There is also research that shows that meeting two months after the breakup often triggers stress.
The psychologist strongly advises going through a five-point plan beforehand so as not to regret the step.
- Identify the emotions behind the desire to text your ex. Do you feel lonely, sad, angry, desperate? Now bear with this emotion for some time, because emotions come and go. It’s quite possible that you’ll feel something different about the situation a short time later – this also applies to disputes.
- Ignore their emotions and consciously act in the opposite way. This means that if you have a particularly emotional day where you’d rather stay in bed, force yourself to get up, get out and fill the day. Above all, exercise and a full schedule help to ensure that you don’t give emotions and rumination a chance.
- Actively change your thoughts. If you find yourself in an endless loop of, “I’ll never find a better partner or no one will ever love me like that,” actively shift your thoughts into sentences like, “It meant a lot to me, but I’ll probably have another one in the future Find a strong connection” or “I’m in pain right now, but it will get better with time.”
- The good old pros and cons list and yes, it really helps. Before you contact your ex-partner, write down a list of positive and negative characteristics and experiences with the ex-partner. And now write a pros and cons list of what the renewed contact could do for you or harm you. Save these for future emotional texting emergencies.
- Engage and calm all of your five senses. Actively look at the sky, listen to music, taste your favorite food, smell perfume or your favorite scented candle or feel the soft blanket on your skin.
In every situation in life, it is important to get to the bottom of your own feelings first. Is it really worth prolonging the pain of a breakup? Would the relationship even have a future? Why do you think like that and how do you make the pain a little less? The five-point plan can help you avoid committing rash actions that won’t get you any further in life.
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Source: Stern
I am an author and journalist who has worked in the entertainment industry for over a decade. I currently work as a news editor at a major news website, and my focus is on covering the latest trends in entertainment. I also write occasional pieces for other outlets, and have authored two books about the entertainment industry.
