Everyone makes mistakes, when we behave in a hurtful way an apology is in order. But that’s not so easy. Six tips on how to do it.
Elton John already knew: “Sorry seems to be the hardest word”. It’s not easy to say sorry when we’ve hurt the feelings of friends, partners, parents with a silly remark, joke, or behavior. Those who want to regulate the situation quickly often do not admit their own guilt. The scraps of words quickly end in an explanation as to why it happened that way. But those who have just been hurt don’t want to hear a rational reason, they want their feelings to be heard. Even worse are sentences disguised as “sorry” but ending in a so-called “nonpology” (derived from the English apology). When we make bad excuses, we distract from the real problem or don’t take responsibility for our actions.
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A research team led by Roy Lewicki investigated what makes a good apology. The scientists have identified six components that an apology can have. Two criteria are particularly important here. Those who apologize should accept full responsibility and offer or solicit genuine redress. We explain what is important for a good apology:
1. The word “but” doesn’t belong in an apology
If you really want to apologize, you should never, ever use a “but”. “I’m sorry for nagging you like that, but you always throw your stuff around and it pisses me off” — that’s not really an apology. A “but” automatically cancels an apology and always introduces criticism, explains the American psychologist and therapist Harriet Lerner in “Psychology Today”.
2. Keep the focus to yourself
“Accept her behavior and apologize for it, that’s it!” says the psychologist clearly. An apology should never focus on the other person’s reaction. “I’m sorry you felt hurt by my joke.” Such a sentence often implies that the other person shouldn’t feel that way. It shows that no responsibility is taken for one’s own behavior. Better: “I’m sorry for what I said. My joke was insensitive and inappropriate.”
3. Really asking for forgiveness
It is by no means a given that someone you have hurt will accept the apology. So the focus of an apology is asking for forgiveness. So you have to reckon with the fact that the injured person cannot forgive so easily and does not accept the apology at first. Harriet Lerner says no one should apologize to make themselves feel better when there is a risk of making the injured person feel worse. Apologies are not always welcome.
4. Who is right is not so important
When apologizing, don’t go by who started the argument. Nor is it about who is right. Perhaps your partner broke your patience with a comment. But even if your own guilt is only 14 percent, it can help to admit that you are involved, says Harriet Lerner.
5. Don’t just promise improvement
“This will never happen again!” – that’s a nice idea. But: “Obviously it doesn’t help to apologize with a lot of gossip and then continue the very behavior for which you apologized,” explains Lerner. Merely expressing remorse is not enough. It is also important to make a real effort not to continue to behave in abusive manner.
6. Don’t use excuses as a way out
Sometimes the partner keeps annoying you with the same topic or problem that hurt him or her. A supposed apology in such situations can be a convenient way to avoid the argument. But a true apology should never be used to silence your partner. Psychologist Harriet Lerner gives this example of such behavior: “I’ve said I’m sorry at least 10 times, so why are you still bringing up the affair?”
Sources: Psychology Today, study by Roy Lewicki, PsychCentral
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