Communication is fundamental to relationships and friendships. Nevertheless, far too often we talk at cross purposes – or about banal things. Sometimes it helps to ask the right questions. We have a few ideas.
How are you? A question that you have certainly been asked more than once. And because we hear it so often, often in a professional context or in a chance encounter in the supermarket, it gradually loses its value. The answer is usually “everything good and yourself?” – or something like that. And the other person replies with similar words of the same meaning.
A conversation that can hardly be surpassed in banality. But who would complain to a friend about their suffering in the supermarket? Hardly anyone. The problem is: We eventually get used to superficial small talk.
Why small talk is sometimes not enough
Studies have shown that 100 years ago, people in the United States actually talked to each other for about four hours a day. Today, an average of 90 minutes remain – and small talk and the pure exchange of information are already involved.
This is also due to social networks and constant accessibility via smartphone. In recent years we have adapted to a communication style that is one thing above all: “Quick and Thirty”.
We respond quickly to messages, collect conversations about the weather, and thereby forget how to really listen. We “counter” rather than meet, as the philosopher Martin Buber aptly described more than 50 years ago.
Of course, there are still many people today who are genuinely interested in their fellow human beings, no question about it. But we often fail to really respond to our counterparts due to time pressure, stress or exhaustion.
Instead, we are mentally somewhere else, throwing around empty clichés or just waiting until we can finally throw off our ballast. The result: we get stranded at the edge of the pool instead of really immersing ourselves in the world of thoughts of our conversation partner.
Deepening friendship: What makes a good conversation
A good conversation can actually make us happier. A research team from the University of Arizona studied how small talk and deep conversation affect our well-being differently. The result: The happiest study participant had twice as many meaningful conversations as the unhappiest.
But what makes a good conversation? Above all, it is about an open attitude towards the interlocutor. If you show genuine interest and respond to the statements, you can also learn a lot of new things.
Similarities and hormones for more closeness
If you want to establish a deeper connection, you should also be prepared to reveal something about yourself. As soon as we share our worries, longings and secrets with someone, the bonding hormone oxytocin is released – on both sides.
Remembering shared experiences and exchanging ideas has a similar effect. According to a study by the American psychologist Clay Routhledge, as soon as we wallow in memories, we strengthen our social connection. Anyone who experiences adventures together and exchanges ideas about them also behaves in a more considerate and helpful manner.
And the most important thing at the end: Honest, open discussions give us the opportunity to discover common ground. And that, according to numerous studies, is something that can connect us very closely to other people.
If we find out that our counterpart has similar values, pursues the same hobby or is a huge fan of our football club – then we automatically like them a little more than before.
25 questions for deep conversations
The magic of a good conversation lies in the fact that it is not forced. But it’s like this: Sometimes we just don’t have the right words to get closer to each other.
The following questions can help you to get to know friends, acquaintances or family members a little better – and perhaps also discover new facets of yourself along the way.
- how are you really
- What does your perfect day look like?
- What are you thankful for in your life?
- Which experience shaped you the most?
- Which of your qualities are you proud of?
- What does success mean to you?
- What would you do if you couldn’t fail?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- What’s your fondest memory?
- What’s your worst memory?
- What do you miss about being a kid?
- What advice would you give your younger self?
- When was the last time you laughed tears?
- What’s the best advice you’ve ever received?
- What piece of advice would you have preferred not to take?
- What kind of person do you want to have been?
- What’s your earliest memory?
- What topics do you think about the most?
- What do other people think about you that isn’t really true?
- What do you value most in other people?
- How do you know that you are slowly getting older?
- In what situation have you needed courage lately?
- What did you change your mind about?
- Which question would you like to answer?
- What do you get up for every morning?
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Source: Stern
