Supporting friends: How we really give comfort

The best friend breaks up with her boyfriend, the buddy loses his job, the sister gets a life-changing diagnosis – and in the end they all three sit on our sofa and complain about their suffering.

And of course we want to help them – only often we don’t know how we can really give comfort in times of crisis. So we quickly hear each other say sentences like “Everything isn’t so wild”, “Tomorrow the world will look completely different” or “Everything will be fine” – a classic.

However, these phrases are not really helpful. On the contrary: the supposedly encouraging words give us a good feeling because we are suggesting that we have made an effort.

But those who really suffer will usually not be able to do much with it. Or do you like to hear that everything will be fine when you are on the brink of existence? Probably not. But how does consoling work then?

The value of emotional involvement

The basis for genuine emotional support is genuine concern. That’s the finding of a recent series of studies by social psychologist Nicholas Epley and his colleagues at the University of Chicago. According to the results published in the journal Psychological Science, sufferers take honest verbal support more positively than expected.

A total of 600 subjects were involved in the series of studies. In the first step, the researchers asked 100 participants to send a message to offer their help to a person close to them who is currently having a problem.

The willingness to send the message was particularly high among those who suspected a positive effect. The suffering of those affected, on the other hand, hardly played a role.

Study shows: Attention is more important than competence

In the second round, students should send a similar message to an acquaintance from their studies. The less they knew the recipients of the message, the less certain they were about the effect of the offer of help.

However, the reaction was consistently positive, regardless of the depth of the connection. The same pattern was also shown by the same experiment between the participants in the study who had seen each other for the first time.

The researchers base this on a widespread misunderstanding between those who suffer and those who comfort them: while those affected value warm-hearted, genuine sympathy above all, those who help have the feeling that they have to offer competent and useful help. “They systematically underestimate how positively every form of support is received,” the authors of the study explain the phenomenon.

What do we learn from this? When someone is suffering, they don’t need our solution strategies, just us. Nevertheless, giving comfort is often a real challenge in friendships and relationships.

When giving comfort goes wrong

Sometimes we are confronted with our own fears and worries due to the blows of fate of our friends or, conversely, we have absolutely no experience in this area. Both can lead to us putting one or the other faux pas out of insecurity.

This is the case, for example, when we try to downplay the suffering of our counterpart. While this may be well-intentioned, it can even create pressure or feelings of guilt in those affected because their perceived suffering differs from what you are trying to convey.

It has a similar effect when we try to put off those who are suffering, for example with the words “Get in touch if you need anything”. It’s like this: the person is obviously already complaining to us about his or her suffering. It is precisely then that he needs emotional support. So this empty phrase growing out of insecurity has no place in consoling.

However, we often react to the misery of others with compassion. Unfortunately, this is not the same as compassion and always has a pejorative character. And: Those affected notice when they are being pitied. This sometimes makes them feel even more helpless, sad or anxious. Better: Honest sympathy – you can’t repeat that often enough. In practice, this can look like this:

How consolation can succeed in friendships

Ask your counterpart what he needs. This sounds as simple as it is plausible, but many times we think the question is over-arching and so we start guessing. Consolation can mean something different for everyone. Some help with distraction, others with a conversation about every detail of the crisis – so be responsive to the needs of the person affected and show that you are there for them.

Are you still unsure? Counter question: Who isn’t? Each of us comes across situations where we don’t know what to do. So be open about your feelings instead of withdrawing out of insecurity and fear. It also strengthens the bond between the two of you.

And last but not least: Pay attention to boundaries – on both sides. You can only help others if you also make sure that you are doing well yourself. So make sure that despite all your care, you don’t miss out and set yourself apart from the suffering of others.

Otherwise, you run the risk of eventually becoming your own. On the other hand, it can of course also be the case that those affected do not want to accept the help. The magic word here is acceptance – and being there if consolation is needed at some point.

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