Giftedness plus ADHD: Top manager on her chaotic inner life

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I hardly studied for school – and still always got the best grades. I was neither teased nor bullied because of it, but I still felt different from the start. Decades later I discovered the term “people pleasing” on Facebook – and it hit the nail on the head: On the outside I was well-behaved and well-adjusted, but not how I felt on the inside. I was distant from myself. Some things didn’t come naturally to me; I developed strategies for them. I found it difficult to study alone, I couldn’t motivate myself well.

So, when I was studying, I teamed up with people who were well-structured and had an overview. I moved straight from my parents’ apartment into a shared flat because I found it difficult to maintain a structured daily routine. I would have actually liked to study German, theater studies or philosophy, but it was clear that I would have been lost in these “free” courses. I decided to study business informatics. There you were given a timetable with lectures and seminars. This framework allowed me to devote my free time to really interesting things: dancing, traveling, learning languages, acting.

Giftedness: Despite this, I had difficulties in my studies

Despite my giftedness, I had difficulties in my studies. Something inside me blocked me when I was trying to learn things by heart. I wanted to understand things rather than memorize them. But I fought through them – failure was not an option. My thought was: If I manage to finish my studies, I’ll find a job that interests me. I got a post-doc position at the university. I really enjoyed it. I quickly made a career, went to scientific conferences, was invited as a speaker and expert, and built up a large network. People like me, they see me as charismatic and motivating.

Just like at school, I was able to do things at university that others could only do with a lot of ambition, time and discipline. After a while I moved into industry. Things quickly improved there too. I soon had the chance to take on a senior position in the company. Suddenly I was responsible for a hundred people – and I still am today. I love my job – actually. The downside is that I also have administrative tasks. I’m not good at that.

I often feel conflicted, like I used to. On the one hand, I am the successful, competent woman who took on a lot of responsibility at a young age and is more resilient, faster and more creative than others. That is my face to the outside world. And then there is my chaotic and dysfunctional inner life: I often only manage to answer emails, fill out forms or submit applications with the greatest of effort. Such tasks, which are easy for others, drive me to exhaustion. Sometimes I stare at my laptop and feel paralyzed. I keep this part of myself under wraps. Mental health problems and neurodivergence are still stigmatized. The idea that someone in my professional environment knows about it is a nightmare. This pressure and the knowledge that I have responsibility for my employees and sometimes fail at simple things made me ill. I slipped into a burnout.

At some point the psychiatrist mentioned the term ADHD

My child also has problems. At some point the term ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) came up and I started reading about it. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist so that I could better understand and support my child. The more I told her about his problems, the more I recognized myself. I then made an appointment just for myself. The psychiatrist had me fill out long forms and asked me a lot of questions.

In the conversations with her, I felt seen and understood for the first time. I didn’t have to pretend at all! It was clear to the doctor that I had ADHD (in my case without the hyperactivity). That was three years ago, I was in my early 40s at the time. The psychiatrist suggested that I take Ritalin. I feel much better today. The medication helps me set priorities. That includes tackling boring things and getting through them. It also helps me to organize my time better and work more proactively. I was never able to do that – I always just did what was either “burning” at the time or what really motivated me.

My dream is to organize my work in such a way that I don’t need the medication. I don’t know yet if and how I’ll manage that. Maybe I should delegate more of the things that I’m not good at. At the moment I would like to go to therapy to understand everything better and to organize my life more. But finding a place for therapy is a big hurdle for me. I haven’t managed to organize an appointment yet.