Self-criticism: How to silence your inner critic

We all know the feeling of not being good enough. Psychology aptly calls the constant self-criticism “ShitFM”, a term that Laura Wünsch also uses: “It’s as if our brain had a permanent transmitter switched on that constantly bombards us with negative thoughts,” says the neuroscientist. “You are not a good mother”, “You are not successful enough”, “Others are doing better” – these are the messages that the inner channel sends incessantly. And even though we know these thoughts aren’t the whole truth, our brains have a hard time letting go of them.

The roots of this problem lie deep in our evolutionary history. Humans are social creatures who are naturally anxious to belong and not be excluded. Our brains are therefore programmed to constantly analyze other people and their behavior to ensure that we adapt and are not left out. This ability to compare oneself with others used to be important for survival, says Wünsch: “Our ancestors had to constantly ask themselves: Do I fit in with the herd? Comparisons helped them to assess their position in a social group and to adapt their behavior. This was the only way they could survive and reproduce.” In today’s world, however, this often leads to stress and dissatisfaction. “That’s why I consciously forbid myself from comparing myself as a person with the appearance of others and that’s why I rarely use social media,” says Wünsch.

Because the media reinforces this dynamic. “Our brain cannot distinguish whether what we see on Instagram, Facebook or TikTok is reality or a production,” says Wünsch. When we endlessly scroll through Instagram or LinkedIn and see other people’s perfect pictures, achievements and life journeys, we subconsciously believe that this is actually how these people live. Yet social media only shows us a distorted version of reality – one that makes us believe we are always falling short. We see the brilliant careers, the healthy families, the toned bodies and the seemingly flawless lives of others and start comparing ourselves to them.

Other people’s brains work just like ours – they also have their own “ShitFM” that tells them that they are not good enough. We just don’t see it. Wünsch reminds us that we are only presented with the shiny facade. “But perfection and success always have their price!” Those who are constantly on the move in order to be successful in their career see less of their family and friends. Anyone who flaunts a well-toned body follows a strict training plan and has to forego many of the joys of everyday life. “I know it from myself: Since I started my own business three years ago, a lot of beautiful things have fallen by the wayside – and that makes me really sad,” says Wünsch. But these sacrifices and burdens are rarely discussed on social media.

So we are left with the feeling that we are never enough – and get stressed. “For us, moments like this are the modern saber-toothed tiger,” says Wünsch. And instead of declaring war on the flood of negative thoughts, consciously pushing them away and actively doing our own thing, we listen to how the “ShitFM” continues to drone on. We hunch our shoulders, get neck and headaches, and feel miserable and dissatisfied.

The first step to the solution is to recognize this “ShitFM” – and then silence it. Wünsch advises: “Be aware that your brain is programmed to think negatively – this is a remnant of our evolutionary history!” By observing these negative thoughts without judging them or giving them too much space, we can learn to break through them. It’s about letting go of constant comparison with others and focusing on your inner self. Instead of always looking outward, we should ask ourselves: What is really important to me? What do I actually need to be happy and healthy?

Certainly not pursuing supposedly ideal acquaintances on the Internet. As social creatures, we should rather connect with people “in real life.” Maybe by helping others on a voluntary basis. “Helping others has an effect. Among other things, the bonding hormone oxytocin is released, an antagonist of the stress hormone cortisol,” says Wünsch. Another tip: maintain real friendships. Even having a boyfriend is good for your psyche. For neuroscientist Wünsch, friends are the biggest life hack: “Friends accept you as you are. They open their hearts, make you tea and are simply there for you.”

In order to counter stress physically, Wünsch advises getting active and getting your heart and circulation going. “It’s enough to run up the stairs, punch the sofa cushion or do so many push-ups or sit-ups until you can’t do any more.” As soon as we get out of breath, the brain understands that we have “fought” and therefore responded appropriately to the stress. The stress nervous system can calm down again – and we can relax again.

At the end of the day, we are not machines that constantly work and need to be continually optimized. It’s okay not to be perfect. It’s okay to take breaks and find your own rhythm. If we learn to ignore our “ShitFM” and listen to our inner needs, we can live a life that really suits us – without having to constantly compare ourselves to others.