Borderline: Sabine hates herself – despite therapy

“I was lucky enough to be able to grow up without financial difficulties and in a well-ordered family home. However, even as a child I had the feeling: Something was wrong with you. Why doesn’t anyone see that? I was always very empathetic and noticed the smallest vibrations If there was a problem somewhere, I always blamed it on myself and thought: I was full of self-doubt and more of a loner.

I had few friends. The inner loneliness was difficult for me to bear. Growing up was too much for me.

I always put a lot of pressure on myself and tried to balance it out somehow with excessive exercise. I thought: You feel so bad because you’re too fat. At 13 I developed a massive eating disorder. This developed into a severe form of anorexia, which required repeated inpatient treatment.

Maybe I saw anorexia as a way out so that I didn’t have to feel the emptiness inside. Or it was about control. At the same time, I saw anorexia as a way to slowly kill myself. I always thought: If it happens that I die, then it happens. But there was a second longing: finally see me! See how I really am and how I really feel.

I have not experienced sexual abuse or physical violence. That’s why I find it easier to allow physical closeness compared to other sufferers. But emotional closeness is difficult for me to endure. At the same time, distance seems oppressive and extremely frightening to me. This is how the constant changes of “Go!” and “Don’t leave me!”

Two years ago I started hurting myself. Vomiting, cutting, exercise – that was my life. A year ago I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in a psychiatric clinic. It’s not easy to live with. I often have the feeling that the skills training of therapy doesn’t really work for me (Note d. Editor: Skills training, the learning of skills that can help you deal with difficulties better). I continue to be highly functional and very performance-oriented. And I still think: My illness doesn’t excuse anything. The hardness towards myself – it hasn’t lessened. I am often my own worst enemy. I could probably never hate someone as much as I hate myself sometimes.”

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