Violence against women: Those who were concerned remained silent – the men

Shame must switch sides, said when she decided to make public the trial of her more than fifty alleged rapists. She’s right. And it applies to all areas.

Today, November 25th, is the “International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women”. Most men, one can hopefully assume, find violence against women bad. But otherwise, unfortunately, they often act as if the matter is none of their business. But “Sorry” isn’t enough. “Sorry” doesn’t change anything. When men beat, rape, oppress or harass on a daily basis, it is difficult to speak of a “women’s problem”. It’s a man’s problem. And only men can help solve it.

So men, get out to the demonstration! Today is the International Day to Eliminate Your Terror Against the Female Gender. In Germany, one of you tries to kill your (ex-)partner every day. Almost every other day someone makes it. This means you belong to the Champions League compared to Europe. Another number: Last year there were 180,715 female victims of domestic violence. Behind each of these victims are perpetrators. Men. And by the way: Almost all wife beaters and rapists in Germany have a German passport; migrants are not solely responsible for this, as right-wing populists like to say.

The numbers are frightening, Germany’s men’s problem is gigantic. But unlike in Italy, Spain or France, there is no debate about this here. Every year, the publication of statistics causes brief consternation. Then happens: nothing. Politicians are apparently in no hurry to improve the situation for women. People make fun of Donald Trump and the American anti-abortion groups, while Section 218 still sits untouched in our penal code. The planned new “Violence Assistance Act”, with which the Federal Republic would at least fulfill its obligations under the Istanbul Convention against domestic violence, may now be postponed again with the traffic light off. Women are apparently not that important; their security is too expensive. In general, the planned law would probably only come into force in 2030. And until then? Oh, whatever.

Shame has to change sides – of course that doesn’t mean that men should be ashamed of their gender. Misogyny is not a solution to misogyny, and no one needs a war between the sexes. What we need is solidarity. Every man can distance himself from his misogynistic peers and say: “Stop, not like that.” Everyone can decide which side they are on.

Because that’s where it starts. The women killed and raped, the over 180,000 female victims of domestic violence, are the brutal outgrowths of a system in which it is considered “normal” for women to be devalued or disadvantaged. Sure, it’s not the same whether a woman is raped or just molested. But year after year, experts point out: Deep-seated hatred and everyday contempt for women. Everyone can decide whether they want to be an accomplice to this system.

In France there is a simple word for the desire to abolish social injustice: revolution. And as long as the king hasn’t fallen, there can be no excuses. Everyone has to pull together. Show attitude. Civil courage. This is no different with misogyny.

If you want to change things, you don’t buy a Rammstein ticket. You don’t shout sexist lyrics. You also don’t go out for a beer with your friend who regularly becomes aggressive towards his girlfriend out of jealousy. Not even if he is the boss of the shooting club and an old friend. You confront him, you inform the police and you tell everyone else. You don’t stay silent when you hear misogynistic jokes. Women are not paid less because injustice in the company has “grown” so much. You just stop doing it, it’s not that hard.

Violence against women has nothing to do with masculinity or testosterone – but with power and oppression. The rape trial involving Gisèle Pelicot’s husband and his fifty potential accomplices is so shocking because it shows the entire spectrum. There is the main defendant, Dominique Pelicot. He says he was obsessed with keeping his ever-confident partner submissive. Then there are those who found it arousing to penetrate the body of a defenseless woman. And then there are the others. They never contacted Dominique Pelicot again after their first contact because he seemed brutal and scary to them. But they remained silent. They didn’t want to interfere with what a husband was doing with his wife. It wasn’t that important to them.

The case also shows how men and women can work together against sexual violence. Dominique Pelicot was arrested in 2020. Almost by chance. Because of a man. A supermarket employee caught him filming customers up their skirts with his cell phone. The employee didn’t care. He also didn’t see it as the odd behavior of an aged lecher. But a disgusting crime. And he insisted that the women report the crime.

Everyone is responsible for what the society in which we live looks like. Everyone can stop tolerating sexism and misogyny. Everyone can fight male violence, even if they have never committed any acts of violence in the criminal sense. The only people who have to be ashamed are those who don’t do that.