Donald Trump or Elon Musk? A (not) serious comparison

“Show me someone without an ego and I’ll show you a loser,” wrote Donald J. Trump (the J stands for “jovial”) once in his bestseller for bad sellers “How to get Rich”.

Because we leave this unchecked, as it should be for fake news, the question arises: Is a man (gender unnecessary here) the less of a loser, the bigger his ego? And if so: How does Trump himself compare to a similar alpha male? Someone like Elon Musk, for whom the world is literally not enough?

Or, to put it another way: Who has the bigger…?*

Once you ignore the age difference (a Trump specialty, by the way), you can basically say that neither of them are beauties in the classic sense.

But from above. What Musk got mixed up in his head during his mid-life crisis, he has replanted on his head. The fresh turf is in place, everything is in tip top condition – even if the mowing goes wrong every now and then. But my man is only in his mid-50s once.

Trump’s hair, however, is 100 percent made by himself, he says. Nevertheless, this gray-blond construction looks as if someone had gathered the lovingly brushed fur of an Afghan Hound and pressed it towards the neck with a spit-damp comb:

When it comes to fashion, Musk’s excessive self-confidence stands in the way – someone should urgently tell him that he’s no longer an M. Fortunately, Trump doesn’t dare to experiment as much; the only time the orange guy becomes more figure-hugging is when he’s putting the hole in the hole. Speaking of which. Trump’s face has become closer to a healthy tone over the years. Nevertheless, he remains the only person whose skin color remains shitstorm-proof to comment on.

But because body shaming is on X and not on star In conclusion, true beauty naturally comes from within. And that’s where Musk wins. Its box-shaped body is vastly superior to that of its buddy in terms of volume.

So overall: Point for Musk.

Neither the fiberglass nor the concrete nobles have to worry about the continuation of their line. Musk has brought a dozen children into the world; Trump, like his father, has at least five. They, in turn, have given him ten grandchildren so far.

Nevertheless, Trump is clearly ahead. Because his clan is unconditionally loyal to him. The Trumplings crave the patriarch’s favor; each of them contributes something to the family’s happiness. Trump’s eldest, Don Junior, is the new gatekeeper of power, daughter-in-law Lara kept the party happy during the election campaign, granddaughter Kai is making her granddad Gen-Z ready. Even his wife Melania is joining in again. Even if the caresses of the President and his First Lady seem more clumsy than Joe Biden climbing the stairs.

Musk, on the other hand, fights successfully against the disease, but fails in follow-up care. Some of his children idolize him, but he has become alienated from others. His daughter Vivian is even “dead” to him – because she is a woman. The fact that the born tech princess had her gender changed – a mortal sin for her father, as he only accepts the pronouns me, myself & I in addition to he/him.

No discussion, Point for Trump.

This is going to be tight. They are both undeniably entertaining. Sure, in a hate-spreading, inhumane way that endangers global security. But still.

Trump sees himself as a pioneer of yesterday, as he doesn’t want to make America great, but great again. But very briefly: When was the USA still great? When women couldn’t vote? When black people weren’t allowed to sit next to white people on the bus? Or when Vietnam was drowned in napalm?

No matter, he dances so funny! When he pumps his arms up and down to YMCA, it looks like he’s milking a very large cow, look!

Trump manages to make it through the Gulf of Mexico (sorry, Gulf of America), across the Gaza Strip and back to the summit of Mount Denali in one and a half breaths. And yet it is Musk who looks like a Dinsey gummy bear on Ritalin on a stage next to the spotlight-tanned president.

Musk wants to reach tomorrow at the speed of light. He sees himself as a pioneer, and rightly so. But genius and madness also live synapse to synapse in his great mind. It’s all the more bitter that the once pronounced one flew out of the curve when he drifted to the right. Maybe he should make fewer trips into the real world so as not to give his right arm the opportunity to twitch in an ambiguous way. Schwurbler, stay on your Twitter.

You already notice: The point also goes to Trump.

Don’t worry, this category is not counted like the children’s bet in “Wetten, dass ..?” But when comparing two real guys, in the end it’s always about horsepower. And why shouldn’t the currency of car body coolness also apply to macho billionaires, when in the German suburbs it is well known that the better person is the one who drives the bigger car.

Now you might think that Musk has an unfair advantage, keyword: his own car brand. But aside from the fact that fairness is probably a dirty word and/or “gay” among alpha males, no Tesla can compete with “The Beast.” This is the name given to the US President’s official carriage, which weighs eight tons and is powered by at least 600 horses. In contrast to this bazooka-proof monster, Musk’s Cybertruck is known to whine. And anyway: Who needs an electric car in a country whose future is more fossil-fueled than an evangelical canon of values?

Neither of them will know how much a liter of milk costs.

The richest person in the world has amassed $434 billion. Get an idea! If Musk withdrew all his money from his checking account in 500-euro bills and stacked them, the tower would rise 95,500 meters into the sky and thus scratch the official border of space. Or put another way, because comparing lengths among toxic men is a popular sport: That would be 472 Trump Tower.

Sounds like a lot, it is a lot. Musk’s wealth also corresponds roughly to the gross domestic product of Vietnam – and therefore less than two percent of the annual economic output of the USA. And Trump is their head of state, head of government and supreme commander. Just one day after his coronation, as one of the most powerful presidents in US history, he announced that he wanted to pump “at least” half a trillion dollars into artificial intelligence. In addition, the $44 billion that Musk once shelled out for Twitter seems like change.

You guessed it. Point for Trump.

…Donald Trump. The Maga Lord beats the Troll King by two centimeters. Body size. Congratulations. But what is it called again? With great power comes great responsibility. In that sense: God help us.

*To save you from angry typing and me from nerves: the label “humor” is stuck above this text – journalistic absolution. So they can do less to me than the US justice system can do to their president. Etch!