What a start! Portugal’s captain, coach and association head Cristiano Ronaldo has, as expected, taken advantage of the DFB team’s traditional weakness: the lack of a goalkeeper. Things were exciting off the pitch too. This is how our author imagines the 2064 European Championship.
The wait is over. After the flopped Franchise European Championship in Singapore, the 2064 European Football Championship is returning to Europe. And the conditions for the tournament kick-off in Hamburg could hardly be better: mild 41 degrees, low risk of tornadoes.
Only the atmosphere in the Elbtower Arena, which was completed on time after 43 years of construction, leaves something to be desired. This is not due to the fans’ lack of enthusiasm, but rather to their small numbers. Almost half of the ticket buyers did not make it to the Hanseatic city in time. The reason: a signal failure on Germany’s only intact long-distance rail connection.
Weakened DFB team after collapse of Rheinmetall partnership
After successful test matches against Buxtehuder SV and regional league team Fortuna Düsseldorf (both 1:0), national coach Thomas Müller is relying on his proven number ten. As is well known, the financing for an eleventh field player fell through after DFB sponsor Rheinmetall ended the partnership for reasons that are still unknown.
The real attraction of the evening, however, is the appearance of 33-time world footballer Cristiano Ronaldo. According to ARD expert Boris Becker, the Portuguese captain, coach and association head is still in top form. Although he no longer plays for one of the top Arab clubs that dominated the Super League over the past two decades, CR7 is still as fit at the age of 79 as he was in his early 50s.
The opening ceremony, at which HP Baxxter and Taylor Swift perform their joint hit “So much is the Fish,” is largely unspectacular. There is, however, a touching sight when the players enter together with 22 great-grandchildren of EU Commission President Ursula von der Leyen, who, after her physical death, is about to begin her fifth term as Europe’s first top AI official.
Kick-off.
New rule: Anyone who complains about Ronaldo gets a yellow card
Things get heated right from the start when the oxygen tube of Portugal’s only central defender Pepe gets wrapped around his knuckleduster in the seventh minute of the game. Ronaldo, who is also the team doctor after a three-week crash course, rushes over to untangle the situation. Meanwhile, national coach Müller quickly grabs the megaphone to send a few rude curses towards CR7, although they are barely understandable due to his still poor pronunciation of the th. The referee bot pulls out a yellow card without hesitation – which immediately makes Müller’s head turn red. The referee is simply following the latest addition to the rules: anyone who complains about Ronaldo gets a yellow card.
The 39th minute. Midfield engine Ibrahim Irgend serves a brilliant through ball to the completely alone Wim Wen, who leaves goalkeeper Cristiano Ronaldo Jr. standing, a clear goal – final destination Pepe. Where he suddenly came from despite his walker remains unclear. The most common theory: illegal use of nitro. Wen’s open shin wound certainly suggests: That hurt. But is that enough for a penalty?
The referee robot consults the VAR. Spectators in and outside the arena now have three minutes as usual to vote by smartphone (17.99 euros per vote from the German-Chinese mobile network, multiple votes possible). After the clear result, the ref bot points to the spot. Passer Irgend sinks the ball confidently into the right corner! The few but loud DFB supporters present are allowed to sing along to the new goal anthem “Success was not luck” for the first time. The song by retro rapper Kontra K, a tribute to Julian Nagelsmann, the 2024 European champion coach, was chosen by the fans as the official goal music in a nationwide vote at the beginning of May. The co-tournament directors Wusiala are also thrown out of their seats and enthusiastically throw their arms around Chancellor Amthor. As it turns out, the four-times 16-year-old CDU and government leader was engrossed in googling the youth word of the year at the time – and later insists on the word “dufte” for the third time in a row, which he understands.
In the following minutes, the game just plods along, with possession remaining largely equal. At the end of the first half: 43 percent for Germany, 57 percent for Ronaldo.
Final whistle first half.
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The half-time analysis made television history when a visibly disheveled ex-expert Bastian Schweinsteiger tackled his successor Becker out of nowhere. Security forces used enormous force to maneuver the 2014 world champion and 2052 jungle vice-king out of the stadium.
Kick-off second half.
The DFB ten (who are fit to play again after surgery during the break) are only slowly finding their way back into the game. Perhaps the breakfast durum is too heavy for the team’s stomach. Doner kebab monopolist Lukas Podolski had opened a shop in the premises of a once well-known dance club (“Pony”) – 100 meters as the crow flies from the team’s quarters on Neu-Sylt.
The turning point came in the 76th minute. Ronaldo stumbled over his own feet on the edge of the penalty area – a clear foul. 18 meters to the goal, the perfect free kick position for CR7. Assistance drones immediately buzzed over to help the stiff star into his legendary, wide-legged pose.
National coach Thomas Müller decides not to replace Neuer
Before the execution, however, there is the seventh VIF (Very Important Fan) interruption. As a reminder: After the historic incident in Paris in 2061, UEFA gave up trying to put a stop to the streaker plague. Instead, the association has been selling quick passes since then, which guarantee a selfie with a player of your choice in a fixed, marketable time slot.
Ronaldo is ready.
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This writing break is brought to you by: Refluence – influence influencers!
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Siuuuuuu! Of course CR7 scores – the missing goalkeeper is and remains Germany’s weak point. Like his predecessors, Müller has decided against filling the goalkeeper position after Manuel Neuer’s retirement. So it’s 1:1 – Number 2 Marc-André ter Stegen, 19-time world goalkeeper, is fuming on the bench.
Now both teams are out of steam. The only scene worth mentioning is the injury time – as always presented by the German Cosplayers Association – “You play the game, we’ll make it.” A visibly bored Pepe has nibbled on the right post – the goal, which is in danger of collapsing, has to be welded back into place without further ado.
Final whistle.
The player interviews are interrupted due to the chaos in the mixed zone as thousands of disorientated fans stream onto the pitch. They are the delayed Deutsche Bahn passengers. According to a DB spokesman, they will be accommodating and will credit each passenger with a seat reservation worth 98.50 as compensation.
In the end, however, the tournament got off to a pretty successful start.
Source: Stern
I am Pierce Boyd, a driven and ambitious professional working in the news industry. I have been writing for 24 Hours Worlds for over five years, specializing in sports section coverage. During my tenure at the publication, I have built an impressive portfolio of articles that has earned me a reputation as an experienced journalist and content creator.
