Tips from a professional
Ten things you should never say to your colleagues
One of the biggest job annoyances? Colleagues. Complainers, know-it-alls, quitters – it’s not always easy. Nevertheless, you should think carefully about how you talk to them.
Home office from the sofa, four-day week, regular sabbaticals – the world of work is changing. It becomes more flexible. But the impression that soon no one will want to lift a finger at work is misleading. Germans are working more hours than they have for a long time. This is what numbers show. Dependent employees will therefore have spent 55 billion hours working in 2023. The last time this many hours were served was 30 years ago. And this despite the fact that the average weekly working hours are continuously falling. The numbers can be explained by women. More and more of them are employed.
On average, women spend 33 hours a week working, while men spend an average of 40 hours. A lot of life to share with your colleagues. Or have to share. Because who you end up on a team with is often decided elsewhere. And so you sometimes find yourself sitting at the table with people you wouldn’t want to drink beer with in private. One is bossy, the other just complains, and the third has a talent for making himself invisible when distributing tasks. But even if things sometimes get difficult at work, a certain etiquette should be maintained. Teresa Stockmeyer knows which statements to colleagues are inappropriate, what effects certain sentences can have and how to do it better. She is a team development trainer.
To person
Teresa Stockmeyer is a studied communications scientist, sociologist and certified agile coach with a passion for brain research, group dynamics and human behavior. She uses her knowledge as a team development trainer and helps people to say and address things that annoy them. Teresa Stockmeyer is the managing director of Good Teamwork Rocks.
Ten statements at work that you should avoid making when dealing with colleagues
- Devaluations and personal attacks
Statements like “It was clear that you couldn’t do it” hurt colleagues, destroy trust and damage the relationship. They often arise from frustration or stress. However, they damage collaboration in the long term because they often lead to conflicts or defensive behavior.
Better: Stay objective: “That didn’t go as planned. Let’s see together what we can change.” This addresses the problem without putting a strain on the relationship and keeps the conversation solution-oriented. - Generalizations
Generalizations like “You always do it wrong” or “Nobody supports me here” are blanket and leave little room for constructive solutions. They often arise from anger or the feeling of being overlooked. However, colleagues feel that they are being treated unfairly and block them. Such statements distract from the actual problem, increase conflicts and make objective discussion more difficult.
Better: Address specific situations, for example: “There was a problem on the last project. How can we avoid this and do it better next time?” This makes the topic tangible and solvable. - Compare with other colleagues
Comparisons like “Why can’t you work like…?” damage self-esteem and demotivate. Such statements often arise from frustration or the desire for better results, but they ignore individual strengths. Those affected feel treated unfairly, which inhibits cooperation.
Better: Recognize your colleagues’ individual abilities: “Your approach is good. How can we make it even more effective?” This promotes motivation, directs focus on a common goal and thus improves collaboration. - Insinuations and mistrust
Insinuations like “You’re doing it wrong on purpose” or “You just want your own advantage” are emotionally stressful and often lead to defensive reactions. Such statements usually arise from a lack of understanding or pressure, but they damage trust. They prevent open conversations and fuel conflicts.
Better: Ask why: “I don’t fully understand your approach. Can you explain to me why you do this?” In this way, you can clarify misunderstandings without making accusations and promote respectful collaboration. - Condescending comments
Sentences like “Every child understands that” or “I could have told you that straight away” have a devaluing and demotivating effect. They often arise from impatience or a careless tone of voice, but they damage the relationship level. Colleagues do not feel taken seriously, which reduces their willingness to work together.
Better: Provide appreciative support: “The topic is complicated. Should I explain it again?” This creates understanding without belittling anyone and promotes a positive working atmosphere. - Criticize someone in front of other colleagues
Criticism in front of others, for example “That was really poorly done,” exposes colleagues and significantly reduces their motivation. Such statements often arise impulsively, out of anger or stress. However, they put a strain on team spirit and make the person concerned feel humiliated.
Better: Express criticism respectfully and objectively in one-on-one conversations: “I have feedback on your work. Can we sit down for a moment to discuss this?” Justify your criticism and express your wishes so that the person has a chance to do it differently next time. This way the criticism remains factual and solution-oriented. - Say “That’s not my problem.”
This sentence signals disinterest and a lack of team orientation. Such statements often arise from being overwhelmed or frustrated, but they appear to lack solidarity and reinforce the feeling of being left alone. Anyone who cannot count on support in the long term will no longer offer help themselves.
Better: Show your willingness to support and help find the right contact person: “This isn’t exactly my area, but let’s see together who can support you.” It often helps colleagues to get a second opinion or perspective on their problem. This promotes team spirit and trust. - Giving unhelpful (and unsolicited) “advice.”
Some advice is more like slaps than advice: “I would have done it differently.” They seem know-it-all and not very constructive. Interestingly, these statements often arise from the desire to help, but are not well received by the other person. On the contrary: those affected are discouraged, feel ignored and have less courage to develop their own solutions.
Better: Offer support: “If you like, we can watch this together.” Or ask, “How can I support you?” This way you don’t seem patronizing and encourage personal responsibility. - Ignore worries and concerns
Anyone who says things like: “That’s no reason to be upset” or “That doesn’t affect us” ignores the feelings and concerns of their colleagues. Such reactions often arise from time pressure or a lack of understanding, but they seem condescending. Ignored concerns lead to frustration and quickly weaken (open) communication within the team.
Better: Be empathetic and respond with understanding: “I can tell this is bothering you. What do you need? How can we deal with this?” This signals appreciation and promotes a solution-oriented attitude without downplaying concerns. - Bring private matters into the discussion
Comments like “No wonder you’re single” or “If you organized your life better, this wouldn’t be a problem” are unprofessional and disrespectful. They often arise out of frustration or in arguments and lead to further injuries and tensions. Such emotional statements are of no use, but can cause great damage and put a lasting strain on the collaboration.
Better: There is no better here. The following applies: It is best to leave out personal topics in a professional context. It is best for people who are confronted with such comments to leave the situation first: “Let’s take a short break and talk calmly again later about how we can find a common path.”
Source: Stern
