Ingo Nommsen: How do I get out of the “kindness trap”?

The presenter and former “Volle Kanne” favorite (ZDF) Ingo Nommsen (50) wrote a “biography with a message”, as his publisher calls it. “Help, I’m too nice !: Set limits when others take advantage of your friendliness – step by step towards self-assertion”, has been on the market since Monday (20.9., Ariston) and keeps what the title promises.

In it, Nommsen tells of his own path to personal happiness. That being nice stood in his way, of all things, sounds strange at first. After just a few lines of this extremely honest, inspiring and actually very exciting book, it becomes clear that there is something to it.

In an interview with spot on news, the moderator, musician, author and, among other things, explains how you can tell that you are too nice and how you can learn to say no.

“Help, I’m too nice” is a pretty nice title for the full force of honesty you come across while reading. Was it allowed to read in advance for family and friends?

Ingo Nommsen: Of course my mother read it, she liked it. That was important to me. I had a wonderful childhood and wanted that to resonate with her. At the same time, of course, there are always topics that concern us from childhood and into adulthood. What I didn’t expect: Since I first posted the book cover, a lot of people have contacted me saying “That’s how I am”. People who, like me, recognize: If you only want to be nice to others, you end up being left behind.

Where did you get the documents for the book? Do you write a diary?

Nommsen: I’ve been keeping a gratitude diary for a long time. And of course I also talked a lot about old stories with friends and family. Asked how was that actually? How did you experience the situation? An incredible amount has also developed in the writing process. Old memories came up, old wounds were torn open – but it was worth it. Today I am at peace with myself in a way I have not known before.

What was the key experience in tackling this issue?

Nommsen: To be there when my father died was a life-changing event for me. To experience first hand how finally everything is, was the trigger to ask myself two important questions: Where am I in my life – and where did I actually want to go? Those who seriously ask themselves these questions have the chance to change their lives in a positive way. I emerged stronger from this process. I can deal with conflicts and problems very differently than before. That this “too nice” ran like a red thread through my life, only crystallized on the way.

Why can being nice be bad and how do you know that you are too nice?

Nommsen: From my point of view, you’re too nice if you keep doing things for others that harm you. That you can’t stand behind yourself like that. Which you might not even want yourself. Then you are too nice to others, but not to yourself. That is also the problem: if I always put my own needs behind the needs of others, then in the long run I will feel bad. Because I am responsible for ensuring that I am fine. That I pay attention to limits. That’s the point. Take care of yourself. And then like to do something for others and respond to them. But not against his own principles and powers.

Where is the line between nice and unfriendly, inconsiderate or selfish?

Nommsen: I think it’s important to be careful with yourself and others. The question for me was how do I get out of this niceness trap in order to perceive my own wishes and needs again or to recognize them in the first place. To finally be nice to myself again. A list of values ​​helped me to define the guard rails. This clarity helps me to remain friendly even in conflict situations. I still think harmony is great, but I also know that I can’t let my dreams and needs fall behind for this.

How can such a beautiful term as harmony be the nucleus and starting point for frustration, dissatisfaction, self-doubt and fears?

Nommsen: For me it was the case that I had simply never learned to deal sensibly with conflicts. In my family, harmony was paramount. Beliefs like “We don’t want a fight” I took from my parents’ home into adult life. The conflicts that I avoided outside I had to deal with myself for a long time. I didn’t want to offend and always be nice to everyone, but then I noticed that it was also at my expense. It wasn’t until I knew where these feelings came from that I was struggling that I was able to learn to deal with them.

They recommend “setting limits” and sometimes saying “no”. How do you start?

Nommsen: Practice. It is best to start with the little things. Sometimes canceling the additional job, sometimes not helping with the move … There is one thought that I found helpful: A no to others is always a yes to yourself. Knowing yourself well is the be-all and end-all. Because the better I know myself, the more clearly I can communicate my wishes. Today I know what I want privately and which professional prospects make sense for me. And I can walk the paths that I am passionate about today with a lot more energy than before. I can concentrate my energy where I need it. That allows me to implement ideas more successfully or at all.

How long did the entire self-discovery process take you from the all-changing “Wednesday evening in September”?

Nommsen: I put my life to the test almost four years ago after the death of my father and emerged stronger from this process. I end up feeling a lot more grown up at the current point in my journey to myself than at the beginning. I took responsibility for my life because I also accepted negative experiences as opportunities to grow. I can deal with conflicts and problems very differently than before. And I feel much more at home with myself.