Separation: Expert explains when it is worth fighting for the relationship

interview

Ms. Oschmann, when is it worth asking for a Relationship to fight?
That is the big question that concerns many people. Should I stay or should I leave? Should I start over or should I revitalize the current relationship? It is definitely worth fighting if I still feel something for the other person and am looking forward to seeing him or her. If I also feel certain that I am seen and accepted in my relationship as I really am. And if I have this basic feeling that yes, we have issues right now, but we will be able to resolve them constructively.

Your book “You’re Allowed to Go” is about stuck relationships. What advice do you give to couples when they realize that they’re going around in circles?
Many people have the vague feeling that their relationship cannot continue “as it is”. At this point, inner clarity is very important for both parties. Where do they stand? What characterizes them? What are their characteristics, dreams, wishes and needs? What about feelings of guilt and bad conscience when they think about ending a relationship? It basically works according to the onion principle: feeling your way from the outside inwards in order to finally be able to make the right decision in harmony with yourself.

A common argument: “It is not due to the lack of Love“It’s just the wrong time in life”. In your opinion, is there a wrong time for a relationship or can you always turn things around if you want to and find solutions to make it work?
You can always turn things around if there is a solid foundation of affection in a partnership: mutual goodwill, genuine interest in the other person and the will to stand up for the relationship. Love should just feel good, then everything is possible and the timing doesn’t matter.

What is the most common reason for separation?
In my experience, the most common reason for separation is that both partners are developing in different directions and no longer have any understanding for each other. Immediately after this comes the situation where the other person is simply the wrong partner – and always has been. It hurts to admit this after sometimes many years of being together, but it can be very healing.

When suffering from separation pain, it is difficult to distinguish between love and habit

After a separation you want to go back to your ex-partner. How do you know if it is habit or love that is pulling you back?
It is completely normal that after a relationship, even after a good breakup, you are temporarily still “somehow” attached to each other. You have spent your life together, and separation is a loss, even for the person who is leaving. In this situation, many people want to believe that it is love that is pulling them back. This is where inner clarity about myself, good contact with my own intuition, helps. When I am at peace with myself and look honestly, I can see for myself whether it is love or habit. In my experience, it often turns out that people mourn the habit.

How can you accept a separation when everything inside is “screaming” and you want to go back to your partner, but they no longer want you?
This inner “screaming” is an incredibly bad feeling, as if you were hurt inside. You want to do anything to make it stop. Many people then numb themselves with alcohol, consumption, extreme sports or throw themselves into work. It is better to recognize this bad feeling for what it is: it is there, it hurts, but it will pass. Ideally, I will learn now at the latest how to deal with bad feelings constructively. To endure them, to observe them and to see how they disappear. This is often a difficult path for a person. Many people never learn this, but are surprised afterwards at how much it helps.

Can the “screaming” be a sign of something specific?
Yes, actually. If it’s screaming too loudly inside and seems to be tearing you apart, there’s a very high probability that you were in a toxic relationship. As paradoxical as that may sound: This isn’t good for me, but breaking up with it is much more difficult than any other breakup. The person affected should work hard on this to be free for a new, beneficial relationship.

What are your top three tips for dealing with heartbreak?
Number one is distraction. Consciously exploring new hobbies, going on trips, trying new things. That helps you get out of thought loops and think in new ways. Number two is friends. A good circle of friends who catch me and always pull me out of my heartbreak hole helps immensely. Number three is clarifying writing. Processing what happened. Writing down thoughts and feelings. That relieves a lot of inner pressure. And it would be great if you got the hang of asking yourself: How do I want to be the next time I fall in love?

+++ Read also +++