“How are you really?” – a question we ask our partners far too rarely. Instead, we talk about the household or what’s on TV. Ten questions for more depth in the relationship.
This piece comes from the stern archive and first appeared in March 2024.
How well do you know your partner? Most of us would probably answer this question with something like: “Inside and out. We are best friends. He tells me everything.” But is that really true? Most of the time, after the initial phase of euphoric infatuation, we stop asking the really important and profound questions and instead talk about banalities like household chores or the news. Simply because we assume that we know what is going on with our partner anyway – as close as we are to each other.
So it is somewhat normal that at some point we no longer philosophize about God and the world with our loved ones on a daily basis. There is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes, however, couples lose their connection to one another because the depth is gradually lost. We could easily change that by not losing our curiosity about one another – and by asking questions that look behind the facade. Relationship coach Carolyn Litzbarski says in an interview with star: “Our partner’s inner world is so much more multifaceted than we realize, we just have to dare to explore it again and again.”
Her specific tip: Ask questions, again and again – and listen to your partner without bias. This gives you the opportunity to surprise each other and get to know each other (even) better. If you can’t think of anything you’ve always wanted to ask your partner, we have a few ideas.
Communication in a relationship: ten questions for a closer connection
How are you really?
A question that unfortunately often degenerates into a cliché. It’s worth taking it more seriously again and not letting yourself be fobbed off with a “Good. Thanks” – we usually have much more complex feelings than just good or bad.
What do you think about it?
When we have known someone for a long time, we mistakenly think that we already know their views, so we stop asking questions. But we don’t know anyone inside out, not even ourselves – because we are all constantly changing.
What moves you at the moment?
Climate crisis, war, inflation – it often seems as though we are all dealing with the same problems. But perhaps your partner is currently pondering something completely different. It is worth asking about this in order to be able to share in the things that are important in your loved one’s life.
What dream do you want to fulfill next?
Why? It’s simple: dreaming together is good, creates a bond and allows a couple to look to the future together. It’s even better when the dreams are fulfilled together or the partners can support each other in the process.
What would you like to take more time for?
Speaking of support: You can show support not only when it comes to the big issues in life, but also in everyday life. Sometimes, hobbies get lost in the chaos of schedules and your own needs are neglected. If you know this, you can help your partner to find the necessary free time.
Is there anything you like about our Relationship missing?
Of course, something can also be missing within a couple’s relationship. Maybe time together, maybe freedom; sometimes appreciation is lacking, sometimes support in the household – or you wish you had more passion in bed. The rule here is: if you don’t ask, you’ll (unfortunately often) remain stupid.
How have I particularly hurt you this year?
Not every conversation is enjoyable. Sometimes you have to look specifically at where it hurts. It doesn’t have to be a big hurt, even small jabs can hurt the other person more than we realize. It’s therefore worth continuing to communicate here too in order to increase our awareness of one another.
What have I done to make you happy recently?
Of course, the whole thing also works the other way round. If we know which small gestures and words our partner really remembers, we can actively do something to cultivate a more loving relationship with each other. And yes, it’s worth it even if everything is already rosy.
What do you value most about our relationship?
Growing together, with and through each other, is what many people believe makes a healthy relationship. But what are the other pillars of a partnership? We often forget what is special about us. It’s high time we remember our shared strengths.
What shared memory do you like to think back on?
Reminiscing together makes us happier, studies have even shown this. As a couple, you tend to look back nostalgically at a whole range of treasures that are always worth discovering. Who knows, maybe your partner likes to go back to a time that you don’t even think about? Or you can remember the first time you fell in love together – and get the butterflies in your stomach flying again.
Source: Stern
I’m Caroline, a journalist and author for 24 Hours Worlds. I specialize in health-related news and stories, bringing real-world impact to readers across the globe. With my experience in journalism and writing in both print and online formats, I strive to provide reliable information that resonates with audiences from all walks of life.
