Nonverbal signals: How eye contact shapes our communication

When members of the South African Zulu tribe meet, they like to greet each other with a warm “Sawubona”. Translated, it means something like “I see you”. And if you think about it, this greeting formula hits the nail on the head. What happens all over the world when two people meet: They see each other. And the first thing they usually do is look into the eyes.

Eye contact is one of the most meaningful and decisive gestures in our non-verbal communication. And whether we want it to or not, our eyes reveal a lot about how we feel about the other person when we come into contact with them. There is a good reason why we subconsciously focus on the eyes and the entire face when we first come into contact with another person.

Why we blink and look away

So, looks serve as a guide when it comes to assessing people and interpreting their behavior. While we are talking to other people, we are automatically evaluating their eye activity at the same time. For example, two people subconsciously use their looks to determine who is speaking. Perhaps you know this: someone who makes a point looks at the other person and says nonverbally: “You may.”

However, not every eye movement is as easy to interpret as the inviting look during a conversation. There are signals that often cause confusion. For example, if the listener blinks frequently, this is a sign of boredom, but if he stares at the person he is speaking to, he may be trying to unsettle the speaker. If, on the other hand, a person constantly avoids your gaze, this is a sign of disinterest or insecurity.

Yes, looks can tell us a lot. Our pupils in particular are honest messengers in this context. The behavioral researcher Irenäus Eibl-Eibelsfeldt was able to prove that our pupils automatically dilate and our eyelids lift when we like someone. However, this also happens when we are interested in the topic of conversation, when we feel sexually attracted to someone – and when we are afraid.

The perfect duration for eye contact

We have no control over how our pupils react to other people. But we can control how long we look into the eyes of the other person. According to British researcher Alan Johnston from University College London, this plays an important role in successful communication. In one study, he therefore looked for the perfect length of time to look for initial contact. The result: one to three seconds at a time is optimal. Anything beyond that seems potentially threatening, while a fleeting glance appears disinterested.

Although looks can’t necessarily kill, they have a big effect on us. When someone stares at us, a psychological resistance sets in, which can lead to us adopting a defensive attitude towards the person we’re talking to. This is certainly true for people who aren’t emotionally close.

On the other hand, you can look your partner, friends and family members in the eyes more often. Because the length of time we look at the person we are looking at says a lot about how much we like them. If we are in love, we like to look into the eyes of the person we have chosen for longer than three seconds with dilated pupils and raised eyelids.

What looks trigger in the brain

It is quite possible that this intensive eye contact then has a positive effect on our feelings. The neurologist Knut Kampe from the University Hospital Hamburg-Eppendorf discovered 20 years ago that our happiness center is activated when someone we like – or simply find attractive – looks us in the eyes.

Another person can directly influence our sense of happiness with just their gaze. But why is eye contact so important to us? Like so many non-verbal communication patterns, seeking eye contact is something we are born with. Even babies seek eye contact with their mother to communicate with her and build a connection, long before they can say their first word. Several studies have also shown that our brains even have their own control center that is solely responsible for evaluating eye contact. So much more communication takes place through our eyes than we realize.

Can you fall in love through eye contact?

Our looks reveal who we like and when we are bored, but can eye contact also immediately lead to us falling in love with another person? US psychology professor Arthur Aron asked himself this question. So in a series of experiments he put two strangers together, had them answer 36 questions and then look into each other’s eyes in silence for four minutes. And: For one of the couples, wedding bells actually rang a few years later.

Regardless of how significant the result of Aron’s study may be, it does show one thing: eye contact can lead to us building a deeper connection with the person we are talking to. This is also what the members of the Zulu tribe are aiming for with their greeting formula. They use it to express that they accept and value the person they are talking to in all their facets. The usual response is “Shiboka”, which in our language means something like “Then I exist for you”.

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