Long distance parents in need of care? This often weighs on one’s conscience

They advise people who look after their parents in need of care – but live far away. What can be organized remotely?
A lot. For example, you can apply for the level of care or care benefits, do your banking online or by phone, answer letters, and you can even do your shopping through online retailers. There are also a lot of things to discuss in this situation: with your own parents, with other family members, with the nursing service or other services involved. Theoretically, this can all be clarified over long distances because there are telephones, emails, messenger messages, video calls and other communication channels. But although a lot of things are technically possible today, it’s very challenging when you live far away and can’t just stop by and see if everything is OK.

You just mentioned that there is a lot to discuss. What is the best way to organize communication between relatives of those in need of care and nursing staff?
From my point of view, it makes sense to meet as a relative for a personal conversation, ideally in person on site. If that’s not possible, then by phone or video call. Getting to know each other personally creates trust. You should talk about the expectations of both sides and the specific order. In addition, it should be clearly agreed how often and with whom communication will take place – and also who will be contacted in an emergency. It would be nice if both sides communicated with each other in an appreciative manner. Of course, this applies not only to the exchange with the nursing service, but also to communication with other supporting services.

Which do you mean?
In addition to nursing services, these include, for example, therapists – for example in the context of physiotherapy -, medical supply stores, pharmacies, the social services of the clinics or voluntary and charitable support offers.

If you don’t live locally, it’s definitely not easy to find the right help.
That’s correct. I therefore advise relatives to contact the care centers that are local to the affected parent. You can get free advice here. They are most familiar with regional conditions and opportunities.

There are now also technical aids that are used when people in need of help or care live alone. What do you think of it?
I think these are very useful because they enable independence in your own home. It can be very relieving for relatives if they know that this technology can be used to organize quick help in an emergency – and that they will be informed about it. For example, there are so-called assistive technologies that work with sensors such as light barriers and are used for people at risk of falling. These can be set so that relatives are informed via an app if the person concerned has fallen and cannot get up on their own. With home emergency call systems, those affected wear a radio transmitter around their neck or as a bracelet and, in an emergency, can contact the responsible facility, for example from the Arbeiter-Samariterbund or the Johanniter, at the push of a button. Depending on the situation, they then alert the emergency medical center or the rescue service.

What are the biggest challenges for people who want to care for their parents in need of care from a distance?
Many relatives are plagued by the feeling that they are not doing justice to anything or anyone due to the multiple burdens: not their parents, not their job and not their own family or their own life. In the long run, this leads to a lot of stress – and often to a feeling of being overwhelmed. Your own demands are often to blame for this. Many sufferers have very high expectations of themselves and develop a great feeling of guilt when they cannot meet them. And expectations from parents (“You’re so rarely there!”) or other family members (“I have to take care of everything. I’m always there – and you?!”) also play a role.

What helps against the guilty conscience when you can’t or don’t want to help as much as others expect?
Only clarity helps. You should honestly think about what you want and can do when it comes to caring for your parents. Recognizing this is not always easy, because those affected are often in a dilemma because different inner parts are in conflict with each other – for example, the caring part is in contradiction to the freedom-loving part. Sometimes your own fears about getting older, illness and death also play a role. It’s worth taking a closer look here and expressing your own boundaries clearly and lovingly towards your parents or family members.

And vice versa: What advice would you give to people who have the feeling that everything depends on them because siblings or other relatives don’t care?
Here too, clarity is needed. When I know what I am available for and what I am not available for, I can communicate that clearly. I like to recommend to my clients that they convene a round table with the other parties involved – in person or in a video meeting – to talk about who can take on which tasks, when, and to what extent.

You just mentioned the multiple burdens that many relatives struggle with. What can those affected do who feel completely overwhelmed in this situation?
You should definitely get help. Here it makes sense to take a close look at what really brings relief. Do you need more organizational relief? Or an emotional relief? Or both? If you need help with organizational issues, you should contact the care support centers mentioned above. These are health and nursing care insurance institutions that support those affected and their relatives in finding nursing services, nursing homes or other regional assistance, among other things. They also provide information about the financing of care services and support in applying for care aids – this topic is very complex and often leads to relatives feeling overwhelmed. Anyone who needs emotional support should confide in people who have an open ear, can listen and encourage them. Discussions in self-help groups for caring relatives can also be relieving. Anyone who feels very stressed should seek professional help.

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