Despite good intentions: Why we sometimes act against our ideals

The climate crisis is omnipresent and yet we still cling to our cars and buy plastic products. We know about the energy crisis and sometimes turn up the heating even though we don’t necessarily have to. Every child learns that smoking is unhealthy – and yet many adults are addicted to smoking. We know how healthy eating works and that exercise keeps us fit and healthy, but then we find ourselves eating chips and lying on the sofa in the evening.

It’s almost human to behave against your own ideals from time to time. However, this is often associated with a negative gut feeling. When the bag of chips is empty, it’s not uncommon to feel guilty. When we read about where our clothes come from, we sometimes only wear them with one laughing eye and one crying eye. This ambivalent feeling is also called cognitive dissonance.

The term comes from social psychology and describes an unpleasant emotional state that is triggered by contradictory perceptions. Specifically, these can be incompatible feelings, thoughts, intentions or needs. For example, if we want to lose weight and at the same time eat everything we want, then cognitive dissonance arises.

But the whole thing also exists on a larger scale. Some people spend their entire lives chasing their ideal self and as a result, they become more and more at odds with their real self. The ideal self is the person we would like to be. The perfect, optimized version of our personality that we will probably never fully achieve. Yet we often try to do just that – and fail miserably.

But the whole thing also goes the other way around: There are people who actually build a life that corresponds to their ideal image. For example, we sometimes unconsciously try to squeeze ourselves into the classic role distribution within a relationship and play the model wife who cooks food or the model husband who brings home the money – even though a different lifestyle would actually suit our nature. So we create a kind of life lie for ourselves.

The problem with such life lies is that at some point they lead to negative feelings – cognitive dissonance. And in severe cases, the whole thing can even lead to depression or other psychological symptoms. Because our real needs don’t go away just because we try to subordinate them to our ideal self.

But how can it happen that we live contrary to our values? The key is often repression. There are several coping strategies that we humans use to eliminate the contradictions between actions and feelings and to find justification. In psychology this is called dissonance reduction.

To avoid the unpleasant feeling, we like to move in filter bubbles, for example. So we primarily look for information and opinions that confirm our own perspective or current way of life and consciously do not engage with viewpoints that could contradict our actions. For example, if we want to take domestic flights despite the climate crisis, then we actively consume information that confirms our behavior.

Additionally, when we have made a wrong decision or taken a wrong path in life, we sometimes blame it on someone else or blame it on circumstances. This is also a popular dissonance reduction behavior.

In each of these cases, however, we also ignore part of reality. At first, this may help us feel better – because the feeling of cognitive dissonance is eliminated. But in the long term, these strategies do not help us deal with the contradictions that life brings with it. The problem: Exactly these processes usually take place in our subconscious within a few seconds. It is therefore not so easy to overcome cognitive dissonance in a healthy way. But it’s not impossible either.

First of all, it is important to recognize which cognitive dissonance actually requires action. Because to a certain extent we are confronted with contradictions anyway. Nobody can always act freely according to their ideals and needs, because there are usually other people who are involved in processes with their own ideals and needs. In the end, it’s often about compromises.

There is a need for action when cognitive dissonance becomes a way of life and you either lose yourself in the hunt for the ideal self or constantly sabotage yourself. This is the case, for example, if you behave dismissively towards people you like or lead a life that above all makes others happy, but fills you with emptiness.

The way out here is often a change in behavior. The basis for this, however, is first of all the realization that something is going wrong in your own life or that you are actually standing in your own way. Self-sabotage usually arises from a fear of the good. It sounds strange at first, but it is widespread. Especially people who have been frequently disappointed in their lives react to hope with self-sabotage and often behave in exactly the opposite way to their actual needs.

Anyone who recognizes that they are their own worst enemy has already taken a big step further. And then it’s important to question yourself critically: Why don’t I allow myself my own happiness? What kind of life do I want to lead and why do I do what I do? These are just a few examples of questions that can help you reflect on your own cognitive dissonance. Because only those who know what they really want also know which direction they have to go in order to be more at peace with themselves.

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