ADHD plus talent: top manager about her chaotic interior

I hardly learned for school – and still had the best grades. I was therefore neither teased nor bullied, but I felt different from the start. Decades later I discovered the term “People Pleasing” on Facebook – and it hit it exactly: I was good on the outside, unlike what I felt inside. I was distant to myself. Some things didn’t lay me; For this I developed strategies. It was difficult for me to learn alone, I couldn’t motivate myself well.

So when I studied, I teamed up with people who were well structured and had an overview. From the parents’ apartment I moved directly to a shared apartment because it was difficult for me and falls to keep an orderly daily routine. Actually, I would have liked to study German studies, theater studies or philosophy, but it was clear that I would have lost in these “free” courses. I chose business informatics. You got a schedule with lectures and seminars. This scaffolding allowed me to devote myself to the really interesting things in my free time: dancing, traveling, learning languages, playing theater.

Despite my gifted talent, I had difficulties during my studies. Something locked in me when memorizing. I preferred to understand things rather than timpani. But I struggled through – failure was not an option. My thought was: when I create my studies, I already find a job that interests me. I got a post -doc position at the university. I enjoyed that. I quickly made a career, was on scientific congresses, was invited as a speaker and expert, building a large network. People like me, they perceive me as charismatic and motivating.

As I did at school, I also fell at the university that others only managed with a lot of ambition, time and discipline. After a while I moved to industry. It also went up quickly there. Soon I got the chance to take a high position in the company. Suddenly I was responsible for a hundred people – I am still. I love my job – actually. The disadvantage is: I also have administrative tasks. I am not good in that.

I often feel divided like before. On the one hand, I am the successful, competent woman who has taken on a lot of responsibility at a young age and is more resilient, faster and more creative than others. This is my face outside. And then there is my chaotic and dysfunctional inner life: I often only manage with the greatest effort to answer emails, fill out forms or send applications. Such tasks that make little effort to others drive me into exhaustion. Sometimes I stare at my laptop and am paralyzed. I keep this proportion of myself under lock and key. Psychological problems and neurodsign are still stigmatized. The idea that someone in my professional environment would know about it is a nightmare. This pressure and the knowledge that I have responsibility for my employees and sometimes fail because of simple things made me sick. I slipped into a burnout.

My child also has problems. At some point the term ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) fell, and I started reading about it. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist to better understand and support my child. The more I told her about his problems, the more I recognized myself. I only made an appointment for myself. The psychiatrist let me fill out long arches and asked me many questions.

In the conversations with her I felt and understood for the first time. I didn’t have to pretend! It was clear to the doctor that I had ADHD (for me without hyperactivity). That was three years ago, I was in her early 40s at the time. The psychiatrist suggested to take Ritalin. I feel much better today. The drug helps me set priorities. This also includes tackling boring things and standing through. It also helps me to split my time better and work more forward -looking. I could never – I only did what was either “burned” or totally motivated me.

My dream is to shape my work so that I don’t need the medication. I still don’t know if and how I can do it. Maybe I would have to delegate the things I am not doing well. At the moment I would like to do therapy to understand everything better and to organize my life more. But the search for a therapy place is a big hurdle for me. I haven’t managed to organize an appointment yet.