Hardly anything is as much a source of contention for couples as money. It is a regular topic in about every third relationship. And almost every fourth partnership fails because of this. Money is not always the actual trigger for a separation, but it can spark everyday arguments and thus relationship frustration.
It’s often about who brings more into the relationship – financially and emotionally. It’s about achievement, power and recognition. The issue often arises because two partners have a “weird” approach to money, as couples counselor Michael Mary calls it. He made the observation that both money and love basically work on three levels: There is the passionate (unconditional giving) level, the friendly level, where you want to support and share with the other person (and you can basically expect that too to get support themselves), and the partnership level, where partners negotiate barter deals in order to cope with everyday life. If one partner does not fulfill his share, the other can demand it and insist on fair compensation.
Transparency note: The illustrations in this text were created using artificial intelligence. Every AI-generated image is checked by a photo editor in the stern editorial team before it is published.
That sounds cerebral, but it explains well why arguments arise: because the levels often get mixed up when both partners have different ideas about the level at which they themselves have used money or feelings. Giving money away ostensibly passionately and later demanding something in return leads to conflict. Imbalances will also arise if one partner has to permanently forgo the other’s services in return for partnership services.
Precisely because so many couples fall out over money, they don’t even talk about it. That’s wrong, because talking about money is good for relationships. Couples move closer together. And that’s the best way to do things with money and love, step by step.
Published in stern 46/2024
Source: Stern
